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Saturday, December 30th, 2006
10:35 am - 2006

Perhaps it's a bit ridiculous to do a year-in-review in a journal I've barely touched all year, but I did it for the last two so I figured, for the sake of tradition, I'd stick it here too. If you want more (I'm sure you ALL do...) you could go here or here.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Fuck - lots of things. It was a year of firsts: Moved out of home, lived by myself, went to Monash, got paid to do something I love, worked at the Opera House, directed a play (two), wrote a play (it sucked)...and there were others.

2. Was 2006 a good year for you?
Yeah, I'd say it was fucking brilliant on the whole.

3. Where were you when 2006 began?
At a FWO gig at Scarlette in Smith St.

4. Who were you with?
Georgia, Tessa and J-Bot

5. Where will you be when 2006 ends?
In my house.

6. Who will you be with when 2006 ends?
Talia and Or. Drinking far too much.

7. What date/s from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Oh, there are actually a few. At the moment the only ones that stand out are the day before Millie opened (finding out after having been at the theatre all day that they were going to let me stay and work on the show), the day I got asked to go up to Sydney, and Sydney in general.

8. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) richer or poorer? Far poorer. This is what paying rent does to you. 
c) fatter or thinner? fatter. i think we're going up in increments every year.

9. Did you fall in love in 2006? 
I love that I said "Yes" last year about three different people and when I look back on it now I don't even know who they are. I think I had a very hazy perception of what love is, and as usual I had it confused with infatuation or a crush. So the answer to the 2006 question is no.

10. Did you breakup with anyone in 2006?

11. Did you make any new friends in 2006?
Fuck YES! Loads!

12. Who are your favourite new friends?
Chloe, Amanda, Tineke, Mel, Sophie... all the BPA gang, most of the MUST kids and everyone that I worked with or got to know at uni, at work or on shows.

13. What was the best thing you bought? 
My handbag, my laptop, my phone and a couple of unnecessary but nonetheless pretty party dresses. It wasn't a year of big purchases.

14. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

15. Did you travel outside of Australia in 2006? 
NO. I am still yet to get to New York. 2007, I PROMISE!!!

16. How many different states did you travel to in 2006?
Vic & NSW.

17. Did anyone close to you give birth?

18. Did anyone close to you die?
No sir.

19. Did you drink a lot in 2006?
Yeah, I discovered white wine.

20. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2006?

21. What kept you sane?
Theatre, music, coffee, my friends, my writing and I'm going to have to say myself. Living by yourself doesn't leave you much choice in terms of sanity, so you learn to DIY.

22. How many one-night stands?
Two. Probably enough.

23. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? 
Yeah, I yelled at someone I loved when I really shouldn't have. That was bad. Also I probably could've been a little more respectful to my parents, especially in front of others. And in general I could probably be less of a bitch. But, you know... we live and learn.

24. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2006?
Not worth going into.

25. Did you treat somebody badly in 2006?
See 23.

26. Did somebody treat you badly in 2006?
Yeah. The person in question and I are no longer friends.

27. What was your proudest moment of 2006? 
I am proud of the work I did on shows that were important to me. I'm also proud of all the writing I did, and proud that I was able to get over myself enough to just shut up and do it.

28. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2006?
All the fuss with NoMinds - 5 months of my life I'll never get back.

30. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving my first year out of home. Getting asked to work on Last Five Years. Getting asked to work on Millie. Getting asked to work on Showstoppers. The work I did on all three shows. Being selected as a director for Short & Sweet. Getting my work published in several different (albeit B-grade) publications. In general, attempting to be a better person than I was in 2005 and to treat people with the respect they deserve. And my friends - making and keeping friends this good is an achievement unto itself.

31. What was your biggest failure?
Cloud Nine. NoMinds.

32. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exactly the same as last year - performed and read. And exercised.

33. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Again - same as last year. Been selfish. Been a brat. Also, obsessed about things I couldn't change.

34. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
My play getting a production (fruitless though it turned out to be). Working on Millie. And Sydney - I don't think I've ever been so utterly excited for anything in my entire life.

35. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Maybe a relationship, I don't know. I'm a bit over obsessing about it. When it happens, it'll happen. I couldn't really care less any more. And more money, but you know, ain't that always the way?

36. What was the best book you read?
Female Chauvinist Pigs - Ariel Levy; White Teeth - Zadie Smith; True & False: Common Sense and Heresy for the Actor- David Mamet

37. What song/s will always remind you of 2006?
You are the Light - Jens Lekman
I Thought You Were God - Clare Bowditch
Dirty Business - The Dresden Dolls
Consolation Prizes - Phoenix
See You Soon - Coldplay
Unexpressed - John Bucchino
Gimme Gimme - Thoroughly Modern Millie
Quand je Marche - Camille
I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

38. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Whatever was clean.

39. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 20. I went out for drinks with the school posse the night before, then for a big breakfast with uni girls, chips with Shan, and dinner with my friends from primary school who I hadn't seen in years.

40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006?
"Whether you believe you can or you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford

Happy New Year!

current mood: hungry

(3 breakages | get broken)

Sunday, June 18th, 2006
3:31 pm - The Guild League
Who's coming with?

Thursday Jul 27 The Guild League
with Emma Heeney (ex-Gorgeous) Northcote Social Club
Melbourne, VIC

Thursday Aug 3 The Guild League
Bar Open
Melbourne, VIC

(get broken)

Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
7:51 pm - new songs
May I direct you all here - http://www.myspace.com/avilipski (sorry no idea how to make a link)

Trust me, you totes want to check it out.

Let me know what you think, and add me to your friends if you have one. (A MySpace; not a friend.)

Catch -

Av xx

(5 breakages | get broken)

Saturday, February 11th, 2006
3:36 pm - How Am I Different?
Exactly (to the day) 19.5 years of existance comes down to 16 boxes, 8 garbage bags and a few second-hand frying pans.
I am terrified, I am overwhelmed, I am freaked out and I am excited as hell.
I can't think of any other things that really changed my life as I knew it to be before. Oh, except for MacRob.

I wonder just how lonely I'll get, and how much of my own company I'm going to get sick of.
I wonder whether things will dissipate with us and we'll go back to being really close.
I wonder whether maybe, after this, I'll finally grow the fuck up.

Expect numerous housewarming parties in the next couple of weeks.

current mood: exhausted

(2 breakages | get broken)

Thursday, December 29th, 2005
12:57 am
(stolen from Trina. Thanks love.)

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Went to uni. Got my license. Got a car. Got a boyfriend. Lost said boyfriend.

2. Was 2005 a good year for you?
Um, it was alright I guess. Probably on par with 2004, but with less achievements.

3. Where were you when 2005 began?
At Kretzen's place with my mates. It was fun.

4. Who were you with?
As above.

5. Where will you be when 2005 ends?
At Scarlette, watching Frankie play, most likely being wasted and trying to kiss Cam while secretly knowing that I want Andy more. See, if i write it out, it won't happen, right?

6. Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
My best mates, my ex, my eternal crush (oh it's not that exciting.)

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Good question. The day I spent with Lakey on the beach before it left. It rained but we went swimming anyway. The day I got my license. The day Lakey got back, and the day after.

8. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Hmmmmm at the moment, sadder
b) richer or poorer? At this moment, i have no money, but on the whole i am richer - i work 3 jobs dammit! c) fatter or thinner? *sigh* fatter

9. Did you fall in love in 2005? Um...i'm going to say yes...three times
a) If yes, with who? No comment
b) If yes, do they know? sort of, not at all and no way - respectively
c) Are you still in love with them? no, no and most likely - respectively
d) You regret it? well, what can i do about it, even if i do?

10. Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?

11. Did you make any new friends in 2005?
LOTS! i love friends

12. Who are your favourite new friends?
Caity (the best). Liza. Lucia. Sylvie.

13. What was the best thing you bought?
New ipod. Fabulous dresses off ebay. Wicked skirts. Metallic shoes x 3. Digital camera.

14. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, not really.

15. Did you travel outside of Australia in 2005?
FUCK no.

16. How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
Vic & NSW.

17. Did anyone close to you give birth?

18. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no.

19. Did you drink a lot in 2005?
No more than usual. I started driving...the easiest way to stay sober.

20. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?

21. What kept you sane?
Caity, my music, other people's music, my friends, coffee...and cigarettes.

22. How many one-night stands?
Fucken NONE. God, what have i achieved?

23. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Got carried away with myself, with varying consequences. Oh, and Monret.

24. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?

25. Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
Most likely.

26. Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Not in such a way that i was scarred.

27. What was your proudest moment of 2005?
Elements of Greek Trav. Making and keeping good friends. Being brave. And that's about it. Compared to this time last year? Nothing special.

28. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
The HJ Saga.

30. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The Fringe. Being brave.

31. What was your biggest failure?
My uni choice, though i don't regret it. Monret. And relationships with boys.

32. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Performed. Read.

33. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been selfish. Cried over situations I can't fix. Made mountains out of molehills.

34. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My two best friends getting back from overseas. Greek Trav. Frankie Gigs.

35. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

36. What was the best book you read?
Disgrace - JM Coetzee.

37. What song/s will always remind you of 2005?
Coldplay - Fix You
Ben Folds Five - Selfless, Cold and Composed
Butterfly Boucher - Another White Dash
Ben Lee - We're All in This Together
The Corrs - Runaway

38. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Lots of beads, lots of metallics, lots of unnecessary purchases. (Carrie Bradshaw...I wish)

39. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 19. Went out for breaky with KC, went shopping by myself (because i'm fabulous), skipped my Commonwealth Games audition to continue said shopping spree, hit the Night Cat with my buddies and drank the night away.

40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005?
Be brave. Life's too fucking short.

Happy New Year. Thanks for being great.

current mood: drained

(2 breakages | get broken)

Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
10:52 pm - my ipod
How many songs?

Sort by song title:
First: ‘97 Bonnie & Clyde - Tori Amos (cover)
Last: Zen Ollie - Conglomorate

Sort by time:
Shortest: Wherever - Ani Difranco (6 seconds)
Longest: I Dream a Highway - Gillian Welch (14:39)

Sort by album:
First: A Chorus Line
Last: You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown

Top Five Most Played Songs: (it's a brand new ipod)
1. I Know - Fiona Apple (12 times)
2. Sunday Morning - Ani Difranco (10 times)
3. Too Happy Too Soon - Liz Stringer (8 times)
4. Citronella - The Guild League (7 times)
5. Bloody Motherfucking Asshole - Martha Wainwright (6)
5. You Had Time - Ani Difranco

First song that comes up on Shuffle:
32 Flavours - Ani Difranco

Find "sex." How many songs come up?

Find "death." How many songs come up?
6 - does 'death cab for cutie' count?

Find "love." How many songs come up?
119 - But again that's kind of cheating cos I've got "aspects of love" and the whitlams' "Love this city"

(1 breakage | get broken)

Monday, November 28th, 2005
11:05 am - nothing's gonna change my world
you tread the boards carefully
that sickly fine line between like and love
and an ever finer one between love and hate
you wish you chose your words as carefully as you chose your friends

incapable of meeting someone and not having them fall in love with you
oblivious to the notion that, for some strange reason, someone just may not like you all that much
and that doesn't sit too well
but you're able to brush it off
because that person's just fucked up, anyway
and like, as if i need that?

you make castles in the air and then knock them down
you make ruthless promises that are destined to fail before they are even created
you make a lot of mess
you make a lot of noise
and you make very little sense

self-obsessed but self-aware
what a great combination
totally obligated to pleasing you and only you
but fully aware that you have only yourself to blame

what a strange year it has been
seemingly nothing achieved or accomplished
and yet everything's just come so fucking far!
and my, how the time flies

you make words up from the top of your head
you make me sick but i love you anyway
you make people uncomfortable but you don't seem to care
you make a lot of laughter
you make a lot of joy
but you make very little sense.

current mood: hungover

(get broken)

Sunday, October 30th, 2005
9:41 pm - I sure am, baby!!

You're Israel!

Though a victim in the past, you've learned very little from this and
have encouraged a cycle of violence in your life and the life of many you know.
 You're a little paranoid and somewhat schizophrenic, causing you to promote
both hatred and hope in cycling intervals.  Some of the paranoia is justified, as
a lot of people don't like you, but more people are helping you than you'd ever really
admit to.  At this point, you live on some valuable property and would benefit
greatly from just giving peace a chance.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

(get broken)

8:08 pm

LJ Interests meme results

  1. being descriptive:
    I've been told I'm incapable of succinctly telling a story. This is most likely very accurate. I like describing things, what can I say. I love being able to remember every detail of a conversation and then recount it to someone else. I like being able to tell someone about a dress I love and have them go, right, I get exactly what you mean.
  2. carrie bradshaw:
    Ahhhh carrie. (In case you're dumb: the lead chick on sex and the city.) I adore her, i really do. If it were possible to idolise a fictional character...she would be it. She's awesome. I love that she's a writer, I lover her obsession with fashion, and I love her committment to her friends. I think she (Sarah Jessica Parker) is stunning; some of my friends disagree. I'd be her tomorrow.
  3. directing:
    Ha! Well, this one's not hard. This week, my career aspiration is to be a theatre director. To be honest, I've never had the oppurtunity of directing a play all to myself, but I'm quite sure I'd like it, and I'm quite sure I'd be good at it. I like the idea of being in charge, of generating ideas, and of earning the respect of a group of actors.
  4. friends:
    I love them. I have lots - that's not being up myself; I think it's a conscious decision to choose to have lots of friends, and I choose to. I love making them, and I love keeping them even more. I have about 4 people I'd call my "best friends" and then a whole lot of others from different groups that I'm really close to. I think I put alot of work into my friendships, and I guess I expect alot.
  5. headbands:
    I have ridiculously dry hair, so I wear these all the friggen time. They suit me. My favourite is the one I got from my favourite year 11 girls for my 18th birthday; it's from Toxic and I wear it all the time.
  6. life:
    Yeah, I like life. It's fun.
  7. music:
    ohhhhh music. What can I say about my love affair with music? (see last entry!) I think it definitely shapes who I am. I can't imagine being Avi without Ani, Jeff, Tori, the Guild Leauge, Alanis, Ben (Folds)... they are a part of me. I love playing, I love writing, I love singing. I am a big fat ugly music nerd, and I love every bit of it.
  8. procrastinating:
    What do you think I'm doing RIGHT now? I have a 2000 word essay on the impact of Naturalistic Theatre due at 9am tomorrow morning, and here I am. I've had the essay for about 8 weeks, I do two subjects at Uni, and this is the only written assessment for Drama I have. And yet, i leave it to the night be-fucking-fore. I'm shit. What can I say. I did it all through year 12 and I turned out okay. It's a really hard habit to break.
  9. sunglasses:
    I don't actually know why this is on there; I can't really wear them cos I wear glasses (I am so blind) and I avoid contacts when I can. And no, DON'T suggest prescription sunglasses. They are always ugly. Always.
  10. tori amos:
    Love tori! Took me ages to get into her, but I'm glad I did. She's fucken kooky, but she's brilliant. I don't understand what the fuck she's saying half the time. Her best albums are Under the Pink, Boys for Pele and The Beekeeper. I saw her live earlier this year. She was pretty awesome.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

That was kind of fun, actually...

current mood: coughing

(1 breakage | get broken)

Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
6:49 pm - 5 songs
A new game I'm starting.

I'm going to tell you about my five top favourite songs of all time. Ever. In the history of the world.

I'm going to tag 5 people and you have to make a post in your journal telling me about YOUR 5 favourite songs, and then tag 5 others, until all of LJ is filled with annoying tagged posts about our favourite songs. it's going to be a revolution.

When you get tagged, and when you've posted, leave a comment.

Here goes, in no particular order:

You Had Time - Ani Difranco

Those of you who know me know that she is my pin up girl; my ultimate; there's nothing that ani can't fix. This song is my favourite of hers. It talks about ani returning home to a friend, a lover, a family member, whoever, having been away or on tour supposedly to "find herself".

how can i go home with nothing to say,
knowing your going to look at me that way?
you'll say "what did you do out there? what did you decide?
you said you needed time, and you had time"

The song starts with about 2 minutes of piano noodling, kind of improv, played by ani's former pianist, julie wolf. when ani's guitar comes in, it's just magical. truly an orgasmic musical moment. the whole song is breathtakingly poignant, real, and emotional - like all of ani's songs. though this isn't the ani song i relate to most, it's the most beautiful.

you'll say "it's really good to see you
you'll say i've missed you horribly
you'll say let me carry that, give that to me"
and you will take the heavy stuff
and you will drive the car
and i'll look out the window and make jokes about the way things are

Wise Up - Aimee Mann

I don't know what it is about this song but i can't not cry when i listen to this. it's simple but it's so perfect, in my opinion the best thing aimee's ever written. i dont really know what it's about, but i feel like i can relate to it, and there are times when it's like she's speaking to me. The strings coming in is a really awesome, climatic moment. The piano is understated but the chord changes are often unexpected- G to E7 - which just makes listening to it divine.

it's not what you thought
when you first began it
you got what you want
now you can hardly stand it though
right now you know
it's not going to stop
it's not going to stop
it's not going to stop
til you wise up

toward the middle little "aaahs" come in in the background. and the drum track just works. and the strings!!! love those strings. a great, great song.

prepare a list for what you need
before you sign away the deed
cos it's not going to stop
no it's going to stop
it's not going to stop
til you wise up
no it's going to stop
til you wise up
so just give up

Both Sides, Now - Joni Mitchell

Yeah. Joni. I know. Amazing. And everyone loves this song. But I can't tell you how much it means to me. Every line of it so carefully placed, the guitar is so simple, and joni's voice brings it to life.
Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
When every fairytale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave them laughing when you go
And if you care don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I fully recognise that at the age of 19, i am in no position to be proclaiming that "i've looked at life from both sides now", and it annoys me that singers like hayley westenra, who is all of 17, cover it and expect to be taken seriously. It is a beautiful song, but i wouldnt touch it until i were at least, like 40 - and actually been through more than half my life, and experienced clouds, love, life, etc.
Joni herself wouldve been in her 20s when she wrote it, and listening to her sing the original you get the sense that she is almost a little naive to what she's writing about. But if you listen to the Love Actually soundtrack version, which is actually a little overproduced (but still beautiful), you hear Joni's 60 year old, smoky, emotional voice and you know that she really has lived through everything that song entails.

I've looked at life from both sides, now
from up and down
and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Flinch - Alanis Morissette

Yeah, yeah, i know, we were all in grade 5 when alanis was cool, but i've literally grown up listening to her and i just can't get her out of me. I have somehow ended up with all of her albums, and i have memories of my older sister - who has never lived with me for extended periods of time - listening to jagged little pill in the car when i was about 10, and thinking how cool she was.

This song is off Under Rug Swept , the album she made after Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, which no-one particualarly liked. It didnt sell well and reviewers hated it, but this one song sticks in my throat like a question i can't answer. I used to listen to it over and over and over, in year 10, during the musical "Sugar", that terrible musical we did with melbourne high, when i was so frought with obsession that i didnt know how to get out. This song signifies so much; the part of me that is able to fall for people quickly and suddenly and stay that way, unable to ever understand why.

How long can i girl be haunted by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed?
How long can a girl be tortured by you?
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

The Luckiest - Ben Folds

God this song kills me. it is unashamedly a love song, and it's just perfect. It's not cliche, it's not tacky, it just works. I want it to play at my wedding. I can't think of anything more to say about it that will do it justice.

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

Okay okay. The following people have been tagged to continue the legacy of great songs:

1. baraka_lingua
2. burnt_knee
3. estrangler
4. wintertime_love
5. audosa_berry

Tell me what you think.

Love xox

current mood: hopeful

(3 breakages | get broken)

12:11 pm

current mood: lonely

(12 breakages | get broken)

Thursday, October 20th, 2005
10:59 pm - so just give up
I've been reading a book recently called "he's just not that into you." If you recognise the quote, that's because it's from Sex and the City (that bible of a show), and the book was written by two of the head SATC writers.

It's slowly changing my life. Girls - go out, buy it, and then come to me and whinge.

And just to be predictable...

Comment and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
4. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
5. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
6. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
7. I don't ask that you copy it into your own journal (chances are you've done it already), but please reply to my replies answering the same questions.

Til next time, take care of yourselves, and eachother.

current mood: jealous

(get broken)

Friday, September 9th, 2005
5:54 pm
1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
i'd like to propose a toast...Collapse )

I'd also like to direct you all to my last post. If you haven't already done so, please log into your friends pages and check it out. Thanks.


current mood: drained

(get broken)

Friday, July 15th, 2005
7:23 pm - three poems based on a picture (one of which you've seen before)
people in bar

people in barCollapse )

current mood: grateful

(3 breakages | get broken)

Friday, July 8th, 2005
8:42 pm - i want to travel through time
finally, after what seems like so long, i've met you
just when it seemed like you were merely a notion in my head and not, as it were, a living piece of flesh,
you appear before me in what can only be described
as a chance encounter.

and BANG.

just like that, you are part of my life
i can never have not met you again
you will always be, like it or not, someone that crossed my path at some stage

and now you're stuck in my head like a bad pop song
our conversation playing itself in my head more often than delta on the radio
and try as i might, i'm stuck

i can't move on till i see you again
and i certainly can't pretend i've never met you
so here i am
in loved-up limbo
no-one to run to
and nowhere to go

where do we go from here?

current mood: melancholy

(get broken)

Thursday, June 30th, 2005
11:15 pm - starting today, i'm not gonna waste another moment
i stay the night
we sleep in separate beds
and i wake in the morning to the smell of burnt chocolate sauce
"what are you doing?"
I ask, yawning my way into your tiny kitchen.
"cooking pancakes,"
you reply, smirking.

i'm exhausted from lack of sleep
and from trying to keep up with your ego
who is a tiny puppy begging to be let out and played with
i have not the time nor the energy to say, "fetch"
just to see how far it can run.

so caught up are you
in the folds of your past
that you can't begin to recreate your future
so close are you
to your own reflection
that you can't see what's right at the end of your nose

it is only now that i realise
how it is you operate
something this smooth must certainly be deadly

it is only now that i realise
how unaware you are of your presence
in my life, and in the lives of those we both love

and it is only now that i realise
that you can't cook pancakes
but i say nothing
as i help myself to seconds
and drown my breakfast in burnt chocolate sauce

current mood: hollow

(5 breakages | get broken)

Sunday, March 6th, 2005
11:49 pm - and left an empty shell of me
one phone call from you and i am successfully launched back
into the girl i was two years ago
obsessive and idealistic and slightly burnt 'round the edges
from giving so damn much

see i dont feel nothing for you no more
but you made me remember HOW it felt
to drift through days like a broken paperweight
heavy as a feather; light as lead

unsure of where the halls would lead me
but content to wander down them in the hope i'd see your face
well that's gone now
the halls
and your face
and anything i felt towards you

i should be relieved, no?
that i can carry on a conversation with you without my stomach flipping
no more butterflies left to be felt.

well, not for you.

i felt relief last year
when loved switched its wicked dial to hate
and i found myself loathing you unashamedly
in a recipe combining 1 part anger to 6 parts pain

now i just feel sadness
sadness that i really havent changed at all
that i can fall into the idea of people so easily
and that it takes me so long to claw my stupid way out

it shouldn't be too much longer
'fore these words are eaten -
mouthful after careful mouthful
along with a good helping of humble pie

turn my sadness into freedom
and freedom into joy
and i will thank you like i ought to
and get on with my little life.

current mood: sore

(4 breakages | get broken)

Friday, March 4th, 2005
11:00 pm - so be it, i'm your crowbar
it's very hard having a conversation with you
(that is, talking face to face)
because your head is actually so far up your own arse
that youve lost all contact with the real world

you live in a snowglobe fantasy land
where you are the starlet and the whole world falls at your feet
you are the ballerina in the music box
but i can't seem to close your freakin' lid
so i just keep hearing the tinkling of your conversation
and the repetitively dulcet tones of you telling us all
(for the 3rd time)
about how much they love you back home
and about how they're all clamouring for you to come back
and about all the cards they send you after every show,
telling you how you light up the stage.

it was ok enough for the first few weeks
i rather enjoyed teetering at the edge of your spotlight
unsure of whether i wanted the attention too or whether i wanted to heap it upon you
but after awhile it just got tiresome
my hands were sore from applauding too hard
my throat hoarse from singing your praises
and my ears ringing from the hum of the ever-grateful crowd

enough already:
the show is over
the curtain has come down
backstage is abuzz with excited whispers of "What Will Our Star Do Next?"

and you are still there
having your "moment"
unable to understand why the lights are suddenly switched off and the band has stopped playing
and the stage is deserted
save for a few broken chairs and a lonely, crumbling set

this happens every year around this time
i have only just saved myself from another year of torture
because you are gone, now
and i can write you off as a mistake
file you under my little box marked "just don't go there"
and forget about you entirely.

save for the times when i listen to songs you taught me to love
or when i adjust my photo board and come across one of you posing perfectly
eyes raised to the heavens in Perfect Starlet Style

save for the times when you consume my thoughts
like a lioness consumes her prey
i will feed off you till you fade
like they all have, now

you collect groupies; i collect idols
so we were a perfect match
but with all due respect
i just need to get out of here
and i think you should do the same

current mood: exhausted but content

(get broken)

Thursday, January 20th, 2005
11:47 pm

1. What song reminds you of me?
2. What celebrity, historical, political figure, fictional character etc reminds you of me?
3. What word would suit me best?
4. What colour do you associate with me?

current mood: sleepy

(5 breakages | get broken)

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
6:05 pm
2 0 0 4

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Year 12. Kissd people while drunk. I can't believe those are the only two things i can think of. I'm sure there are more.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Not really - i resolved to be more tolerant, accepting, forgiving and less selfish, and i doubt strongly that i succeeded.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

5. What countries did you visit?

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More friends (I had friends this year, stupid, i just want more!); more time; more tolerance and more money.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm going to say Dec 13 - results day, not really because of the result but because of all the merriment and congratulation that followed.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Chorals. Les Mis Red cast. Drama Solo. Top Acts.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not trying as hard as i should've probably, but the result was okay, i suppose. And, being selfish.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. Thank god.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Herringbone motherfucking coat - $5 at camberwell market. And the two pairs of candy ballet shoes - one white, one black - for 20 dollah each that i bought yesterday.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My closests friends who I assume know who they are.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
All those who voted stupidly in both Aus and US elections - I agree with Julz.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food and clothing.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Les Mis. My birthday. My solo. Getting into Company. My results.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Ben Folds: Still Fighting It
Citronella: The Guild League
Nick Drake: One of These Things First.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? I think happier? yeah, definitely.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter, good god.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer, i have two jobs.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Read. Gone to more concerts.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Bitched. Gossiped. Lied. Been selfish. Stressed too much about stupid things. Obsessed. Obsessed. Obsessed.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my family in Sydney, being the token non-Christian collective wandering the streets in search of a decent Chinese restaurants.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
No, i just...well...er, obsessed.

23. How many one-night stands?

24. What was your favourite TV program?
*sigh* The O.C; America's Next Top Model; Frasier

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not that i can think of.

26. What was the best book you read?
Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman". Awe-inspiring.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Guild League & really getting to know Jeff Buckley.

28. What did you want and get?
...A 90+ enter.
A solo i was proud of.
Friendship with someone important
TOP ACTS!!!!!!

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Mean Girls!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Eighteen! YAY! Got taken out to breakfast by KC, then again by my friends, then had a cake + a party in drama, then had shabbat dinner with J + L, then went out to Fred + Adrian's 21st and drank strawberry champagne in the toilets with Liz. Class.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not obsessing. Ever.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Babydoll-meets-boho. YEAH.

34. What kept you sane?
Friends. My music.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Chloe Dallimore!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Abortion; gay marriage rights; Bush in general

37. Who did you miss?
My sister. Friends in Sydney. Captain. Eva.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Audrey. Yaz. Shannon.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Everybody Hurts.

40. What are you going to do with the rest of your life?
Work in the theatre in some capacity. and hopefully make some money doing so.

Going to make my own list, with thanks to Juliana

Biggest surprise: ENTER score.
Biggest success: Olly.
Biggest regret: Sending messages while drunk.
Owner of best walls on which to write ambiguous poetry and meaningful lyrics: Rigby.
Best musical taste: Rigby.
Biggest relief: Finishing school.
Best fashion sense: Jessie. Juliana.
Best kisser: The Tree.
Best person to see shows with: The Captain.
Best person to get out of my life and ignore completely: The Pain.
Best person to make up ambiguous names with: Rigby.
Best person to get drunk and discuss sexuality with: Trina, and i don't think both have happened at once, i know both have happened at different times, and someday soon we'll probably combine them.
Best person to watch the Oscars with: Mo

...and i love you all.

(8 breakages | get broken)

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